Blessings In A Mother's Tears

Author: Monique Rider

As a mother, my intuition told me that something just wasn't

right. Most doctors blew off my concerns about my daughter,

Deborah. They said the behavior problems were just "terrible

twos" or "extra family stress" from my divorce. I knew from the

time of my pregnancy that something was different. Even the

labor and delivery was unusual. By the age of two Deborah was

displaying explosive behavior, head banging, screaming during

the night and kicking walls. Her first psychiatric evaluation

was at the age of 2 ½ and came back "normal".

As Deborah got older the behavior continued but was somewhat

manageable, with very creative parenting techniques and close

monitoring. By third grade she was diagnosed with ADHD and

medicated. This helped somewhat but I still sensed that

something wasn't right. A second opinion showed four additional

diagnoses of OCD, ODD, depression and anxiety. Additional

medication was helpful for the behavior but there were always

side effects. School was becoming a challenge. Grades were

inconsistent and Deborah continued to show no interest. Things

seemed to hold steady for a few years.

Then, August 2000, the situation took a turn for the worst.

Deborah, then 14 years old, was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder.

Also known as manic depression, this mental illness is

characterized by drastic mood swings. The bipolar, along with

the other disorders completely changed my daughter into someone

that, at times, I hardly knew. When we were first told of the

diagnosis, I was somewhat relieved that there was a reason for

the extreme and bizarre behavior we were witnessing. However, my

life became an emotional rollercoster.

As a mother, I immediately felt that if I tried hard enough I

could "save" my daughter from this awful illness. I figured that

if I tried hard enough I could "fix" everything so that her life

would be "normal" and she wouldn't have to suffer. Most of what

I was doing had been very good for myself and the rest of my

family. However, Deborah was in denial and wouldn't accept any

of the help that I offered her. That was the painful part

because as a mother, I wanted to reach out and protect her.

I began a crusade of educating myself, joining parent advocacy

groups, going to conferences, reading books, collecting

information, networking with other parents, networking with the

school, and going to counseling. I immediately went on Family

Medical Leave from work and began working a reduced schedule so

that I could closely monitor Deborah until she was stabilized. I

still feel that all of these things were very positive. However,

I tried to push all of this on my daughter and expected her to

react positively to my assistance. She didn't, she felt

controlled and smothered and lashed out even more. This was so

painful for me because I wanted so desperately to protect her. I

slowly realized that Deborah must want to be helped - nothing

could be pushed on her.

Deborah was not doing well in school and there were so many

options available to help her succeed. Again, she was not

receptive to anyone's help and out- patient counseling was not

effective. I was constantly fighting the urge to push my

knowledge and ideas on her. Because, after all, "mother knows

best". Instead I tried to be subtle with her - then I would

retreat to my bedroom and cry. I struggled between elation -

when she was in a good mood, anger - when she wouldn't speak to

me, and hate - when she was swearing at me.

I continued to network and educate myself, remembering to do it

for myself and not push it on my daughter. I tried to take care

of myself and to not give up my whole life because of this

illness. I slowly recognized the positive things about this

situation. Like, how it caused me to reprioritize my life and

take a stand for what I believed in. I did a lot of soul

searching and made some personal decisions that I had been

putting off. All of this placed me way outside of my comfort

zone and it wasn't a good feeling. But, like life itself, it's a

process. It's personal growth.

I actually must thank the Lord for this whole situation because

it has helped me in so many ways. Things are so much clearer to

me now and my path is much more obvious. I am not the one with

the illness but I am going through a personal growth so

astounding that I wouldn't trade the experience for anything in

the world. My heart aches for Deborah and each tear I cry

represents my love for her. I would like to share my experience

with her, make her aware of how I feel and what I'm going

through. However, she's not ready to hear it. I would love to

see her go through a similar growth. Maybe she is, in her own

way. Or maybe she'll look back years from now and realize that

she gained something from all this. I know my life will be

painful for awhile but I will continue to survive. I pray that

all the pain will be worth the gain.

c 2001 By Monique Rider

About the author:

Monique Rider is a Life Coach and Personal Trainer. She owns

Trinity Coaching Services, a company that offers fitness

training and personal growth services to clients worldwide. To

learn more about Monique please visit her website:

http://home.talkcity.com/workoutpl/trinitycoachingservices/ or

email her at: Monique_Rider@msn.com

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Blessings In A Mother's Tears

Article : Blessings In A Mother's Tears